Let’s just be forthright, shall we? I am having a very hard time.
We’ve haven’t talked about The Big Scary recently, the reason being I was feeling mostly better, even functional. Until the outbursts began.
The feelings that come along with my outbursts are overwhelming, alienating, frustrating, making the problems worse. I scream, cry, throw things and the scariest part is I don’t feel like I can control it. I blink and suddenly, I have destroyed – a favorite hair brush, a roll of paper towels, a relationship. When I am acting out, I am no longer myself – I am someone else.
I began my mental health journey on January 18, 2016. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that I would be in a more stable spot by now.
Instead, a mere week ago I almost had to go to The Facility because my Naomi Campbell-esque outbursts were getting out of hand to the point of being dangerous.
One of the hardest things for me in this is asking God for help. I feel extra angry, edgy, my defenses heightened. And I constantly see and hear about turning control over to God in situation you can’t handle.
But what about when you are not in control? What about when what you can offer to God is the pieces of something you broke, racing thoughts and eyes dilating as you turn towards the light from the darkness?
I don’t have an answer. But I do have a little story from the Bible that makes me feel better, so I try to remember it when I start feeling really down:
A bleeding woman traveled out of her way to see and hopefully meet Jesus. By law, she was not allowed to touch anyone, as she was unclean. How unworthy, alone, embarrassed she must have felt… but she thought if she took a risk and touched the hem of his robe, not only would Jesus heal her, but surely he wouldn’t even notice pitiful little her.
But he did notice. And he reached out to her.
The bleeding woman suffered for 12 years – a chronic illness, something the Big Scary will be for me. The story gives me hope – that if I just tug on the hem of someone’s robe, they will reach out to me and help me.
I’m not going to pretend like I am well versed in the Bible or like I have it even remotely figured out – just last week I felt like I was never going to hear from God and that I was going to be left in silence, and I made sure other people knew that.
But, like The Big Scary, faith takes time to build and I am not ready to give up just yet.
I am, however, ready to scale back on things, just for now. I am sleeping a lot and trying to pace myself when it comes to activities – part of the reason I haven’t been writing as much. I have also been taking more tub soaks in an effort to relax and keep the nerves at bay. Dad has been putting up some of my light fixtures I got for Christmas, but otherwise house beautification has taken a breather too.
My trip to the ER a week ago took a lot of out me. I’ve felt very slow and foggy since then, but we are keeping tabs on it. However, since then, two Good Samaritans have appeared to help me. One after said scary ER trip and the other just last night when my car had a problem. We’ll talk more about that in a later post, though.
I don’t know if this post made any sense at all, because lately I feel like I’ve been all over the place. But that’s my life right now – tugging on robe hems and trying to master my feelings.